100 thoughts on “No contact relapse – how to deal with it

  • Why does he still control me after years of no contact is it because of the effect he had on me in still thinking and dreaming about him it's been five years, I don't like or love him but he still effects my new relationships. I don't know how to be myself again I just want to be happy again im past the grey rock im past everything it's been 5 years with no contact why is he still haunting me. Over the years I did look at how profile on FB and it only showed me how much I am happy without him but im still ruining my current relationships i would still be alone and im only getting scared every year not stronger like I thought.

  • Its so refreshing that a Pyschologist understands this. Thank you so much! Sometimes when we reach out for help we are gaslighted by mental health professionals that dont understand this.

  • I relapsed last week. I had dinner with my narc sister. Before the dinner ended, she invalidated my opinion. As if I weren’t allowed to have it. I waited for her to see that what she was saying might have been hurtful. But I realized only a person with empathy would see that. So without fighting, I left. She probably thinks she won the argument. That’s fine, I won my peace and learned my lesson…again. Lol🧘🏾‍♀️

  • Additional reminder = putting your 'head' there as they've had time to go out and buy steel toe boots 👢 to re-kick it with!

  • No emotion, if you run into them. Stay logical and tell them nothing of your life, the way it is now. They try to get in, with knowledge of your current lifestyle. if they've been gone for awhile, then all they have to go on, is what you had when together. Tell them nothing. Stay No contact. It's all a game of control and manipulation over you.

  • Thank you Dr. Ramani!! Broke no contact a couple of months ago and part of me am glad cause it gave me peace of mind that things will never change or get healthy. Thank you for your compassion and helping us find courage to heal 😍

  • I broke no contact to tell him about himself . I told him he is sending hate and that I don’t respond because it’s the least hurtful way . He was back to his old tricks of belittling by the end of the conversation . I have kids with him unfortunately

  • I know this is all true!! I know I don’t want to be with him. BUT there is no moment in my daily bases I wish he’ll text me or call me. WHY??!! Soooo much pain still after two years of no contact. I know it is NOT love but why do I feel I still love him. And I die everyday for him?

  • I had relapse today. I texted him and I apologized?? I’m not sure why but I did. I just felt like it was my fault. I broke up with him because he just stopped talking to me and would make excuses of why he couldn’t see me.

  • The only lesson I have learned by giving 2nd chance to every toxic and narcissistic person, that I have come across, is that they never deserve a second chance.

  • Request for topic: post holiday cluster b flees. Heard the term narc flees before, no sure how popular it is. Tried so hard to stay healthy and balanced all year. Listened to holiday survival videos. Then it was time fore the real deal. Handled self as well as possible, but was sleeping and awoke to a terrible inner feeling. As layed there with eyes closed, I imagined I was her. This frightened me…like a scene out of Star Wars. Although there were no arguments, came out of the ring feeling drained (just trying not to feed the pig). Tried so hard to be authentic, stand firm, stay grounded in my own skin, etc., but THAT glare and memories of it. Not feeding her narrative, and anticipating the hell to be payed. Felt drained for a couple of days after that imagery. Has that happened to anyone?

  • (TLDR: Ex-bestie narc texts out of the blue to brag about new job. I was pretty stoic in my responses and purposely did not use the word congratulations, then she went away mad, like she always does when trying to hoover me back into her life.)

    This had to be one of the most timely of your video series for me! I've been grey rock/NC with my ex-bestie for the better part of a year. This past MONDAY she texts me randomly. I did respond with very brief terse answers, I made ZERO inquiries into her life (because I cannot care). Yet, she needed to tell me that she got a big promotion on her 1 year anniversary from her job and she was a "Regional Manager" blah blah blah. And then the conversation was over, because even then, all I said was "That's good" and that's it. She wanted me to say "Congratulations! I'm so happy for you! That's wonderful!". And she was REALLY saying "Look what I'm doing… I've got a fancy job title now. I don't need you. Look how good I'm doing without you." I'm not giving any supply to her. NONE. If she really was doing great, she wouldn't have to tell me.

    And you're right, HOPE IS A DANGEROUS THING WITH A NARCISSIST. Because I've been hoping for years that she'll "learn" and so far, every time she pops back up and tries to re-initialize contact, she gets mad because I don't give her the platitudes, ingratiation, apologizing, and pretending that everything's fine.

  • I have dreams about having a no-contact relapse and I heard somewhere that addicts have the same kind of relapse dreams, that's certainly very telling

  • no contact (or breaking
    up) makes it way worse and so here i am. even half a day of no contact and he was desperate. it’s scary. just doing grey rock as much as i can but it’s draining and wastes my time and makes me feel like i am losing my life to this “game.” i don’t need closure, just for it to go away.

  • Hey! I had a no contact for years with my dad and all of the people that supported him. Then my dad’s dad died and everything got messy again. I was right in the middle of it, taking care of my grandpa. I’m doing ok with boundaries, and I’m not technically “ostracized” to them any more, but when narc sh*t starts up and I have to hide. In 2015 I stood up and screamed to everyone “this is abusive!” but they didn’t see it, now I’m just dealing with boundaries. I had a relapse and hope that my dad changed and I tried to talk to him about lgbtq+ things. The lesson was he hadn’t changed, i did. The grief of the death caused afalse softening, but the hurtful behavior came right back. Thanks for this reminder today, no contact is best!

  • I filed a police report because the narcissists kept hacking my computer and cellphones, and it helped me going no contact. Always relapsed after a few months but my brother helped me getting the pink colored glasses off. Every time I think about contacting them again, I remind myself that the authorities won't take me seriously so I focus on other things when the anxiety kicks in.

  • This happens. It has happened to me. Just forgive yourself, get back on track and move on. She is right. Sometimes you need a refresher course. It's fine. It has happened to others. Take strength from that.

  • I got away from the narc and when I started getting back to myself again, I broke no contact and got sucked into the relationship again and he began to change up his tactics to get me to believe he changed. And fast forward 5 years later and I have to get out again. It's safe to say, I learned this lesson the hard way and I pray that no one else has to go through that.

  • Yes!! So true.. I admit though i have relapsed few times and reached out to her and the only reason was just to get some sort of a closure and yes u r right no closure was gained but more hate, toxicity and insults … imma just keep the no contact and in few months imma just get as away as possible,not running away but it’s part of taking care of myself and be away from the negativity

  • No contact relapse happened at least 5 times to me. Will be a full year next month with absolutely ZERO contact… 6th (or so) time's the charm, I guess lol

  • I feel like I am always on trial and I am rarely acknowledged for doing or being a good person.. When I have the nerve to express my opinion or life experiences, respectfully, I am told that I don't know what I am talking about or to prove it. This is the strangest behavior I have ever come across in a highly functioning adult. I always feel beat up and drained after a single conversation. I choose very generic topics in an attempt to avoid conflict. I am tired. …but that darn hope😖

  • I never relapsed with my mother, but would occasionally bump into her at other family homes. My siblings thankful understood my position and would for warn me if she popped up at their house for a visit. The couple times I had over lap I treated her like any vague acquaintance, polite, cool and distant. One time she attacked someone verbally (my husband) and he was dumb enough to engage and stubborn enough to not be willing to leave with me. So then I did lash out at her with truth and in that moment of stunned shock she experienced I managed to get my husband to leave with me (I think he was stunned too as I am a very kind and polite person to a fault).

  • No contact is indeed fabulous. I did try that “I can have one glass of wine” thing years ago and after they peeled me off of the ceiling fan I had to come to terms with reality. 😬
    This narcissistic fool is small potatoes in comparison. I’m eternally grateful to have found someone as down to earth about the subject as Dr Ramani. Namaste

  • Yep! I did it last year, I gets harder to get back up. But I'm noticing my length of time it takes me, is getting shorter which is a good sign.

  • Here's another sad thought, I was watching FOREST GUMP the other day, poor FOREST had a narc in his life JENNY…my heart goes out to Forest. ( please do not think HOPE because FOREST ended up with Jenny in the very end, she did have HIV and died shorty after ) the little boy was a good though.

  • i had them same thing with my narc mother. I went back to be in contact with the rest of the family, armed with more knowledge and confidence only to find out the narc was even more hard at getting narc supply from me. So it didn't work. Live and learn!

  • The point of no closure is really important. My narc mother is 79. They say the narc gets worse with age and it's true! I'm not "holding my breath" that she will have a hugh charge right before passing away. I heard it doesn't happen so no point in having that 'last' chat with them hoping they will change. Not going to happen.

  • When I ended the relationship with my ex after last relapse, the feeling I was experiencing was total embarrasment and wanted to hide from the world. When I was in public I felt I was on a major walk of shame scene, fear and distrust is still very present. These people hurt your soul

  • Excellent, thank you. I'm a chronic relapser with my separated husband. it's like living in a 'closed system' ie no escape to a free new life for me. Financially stuck. Rock and a hard place scenario. Ah well x

  • they will pull all the stops to get you back into contact. mine showed up at my door after almost 5 years. he told me that he had stage 4 liver cancer and would be dead within 6 months.

  • Fortunately, I have a protective order since he put me in the hospital, but I am terrified of when it expires this April.

  • This channel is a source of hope 🙏 thank Doctor Ramani, I recently relapsed just after new year and broke my no contact rule with my narcissist. Big mistake, but now back on the healing journey.

  • To make a change on my sons headstone to add my daughters name (her request and a surprise for her) I needed the no contact X’s permission💀I did the text and then he wanted to go halves in the cost😳…ok … then the texting questions started and what was going to happen to the old headstone… I gave it to him. Then I received a call from my daughter so excited about her name being added! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A F¥<£ing secret🤡 what ever the situation they can find something in it to mess with you!!! It was the last straw I will go to my death bed without contact he is leaving notes at my door for my daughter and I, disregarding all requests to GO AWAY! he won’t go away…. he gets no response 😑

  • My relationship with my narc was sexual so the only way to save myself was to press the BLOCK button and not look back.

  • Nailed it – I’m add and it’s hard for me to hold on to the lesson. :). I think that is why I ruminate so much.

  • Been no contact for a month and guess who sent me a fb friend request. I have learned a lot these past few months.
    I wonder what she wants from me, lol.

  • So glad to hear you say that going back several times is common place. Please can you do a video on how drinking makes this worse, because it keeps you in the toxic relationship. Glass of wine…oh….I'll reply to that text…….another glass of wine…..I'll phone him…..one more glass…..and we're back together! The last time I split up with my narcissistic ex I was sober, so I know what happened. I know the truth. I am still sober, and not once have I been tempted to reply to a text or email, and have even refused to answer the door. I cannot repeat the farce of a relationship again, it took up nearly 7 years of my life.

  • for anyone reading this it does get easier with time .I relapsed too and it hurt me more doing so . but that made me fully understand I needed to get out completely. no contact is a gift

  • I went NC with a narcissistic ex and it worked very well. I felt much better about myself and the future. But then, after a few months I wondered if going NC isn't the same as the "silent treatment" narcissists often use to punish us for something and to "correct" our behaviour. It looks the same as NC (ignore the other person, take no calls, ignore emails etc). In the light of this I felt bad and immature as my going no contact felt like I was hurting my ex. So I relapsed … and very much regretted that of course.

    Dr Ramani: Does going no contact make US (the victims) narcissistic? How can we go no contact without feeling bad for ignoring another human being wanting to get in touch and perhaps make amends ?

  • I did'nt go no contact,answered 2 texts..one was his emergency text number, he was fine, and another was to wish me Happy Bday…ugh. Had a dream last night where he was hugging me and would'nt let go..ugh…
    My truck had no brakes (and this little boy kept appearing in the passenger's seat) and I felt bad cuz I thought I ran over this man's (hes a family friend) Chainsaw! I felt like its up to me to tell him abt.the AA mtg. at Brooktrails Firehouse. Conclusion: the little boy that kept appearing in the passenger seat was an angel warning me.

  • It’s always good to be reminded that we are humans (dealing with whatever these kind people are… we can call them anything but humans.) and that no contact relapse may happen.
    In my case it happened after no contact for a year, when a saw him in court closing our divorce papers. Guess what?! “Hope” took place and all his words and behavior was so convincing that I felt for it.
    After a few months of contact by phone and periodical visits… he was talking about remarry me.
    I was scared and didn’t agree with, I asked for more time.
    TWO WEEKS LATER after his proposal to me… he got married with someone that I never knew.
    I feel very grateful for that experience… it just confirmed and reassured what I already knew.
    Thank you Dr. Ramani, you’re the best!

  • Dra. Ramani, please, could you do a video of how can we deal with narcissistic parents?
    Is really hard getting no contact with them. 😵

  • I went completely no contact with the narcissist/ ex in my life. We work together and I'm extremely nervous to go back to work. I plan on showing up with out him knowing when. Hopefully he will snap and expose himself early on, because I’m sure he's doing the smear campaign at this moment.

  • Absolutely they're reward dependent and very needy to break your will into submission so that you are empowering their will while they treat you like shit in classic push pull. Yes.. fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. So then the hope, second chances, or trust they've screwed up being given back to them is a big mistake where they're feeling the duping delight and it's right back to business as usual because you have not learned a lesson.

  • Unfortunately, my narcissist was a coworker, who was extremely controlling and acted like a manager, even though she wasn't. She had some sort of control or "dirt" on my actual manager, to where she got away with treating me badly, and he wouldn't do anything, and/or would even defend her. I was forced to reconcile with her, but what actually happened during that "reconciliation" was her threatening me to get along with her and not go to HR, or else I'd be sorry. I walked on eggshells for about three weeks before snapping and telling HR everything. Well, the narcissist made good on her promise. Soon, I was being bullied every time I spoke to her, written up, and ultimately fired over a complete lie she made up. At least unemployment saw the B.S. and I'm getting benefits, but now in the job market all because I chose to go to HR about my narcissist.

  • Thank you Dr. Ramani. I have been gray "rocking" it and succeeding, but the difficulty lies in that the narcissist is a friend within a large group of friends (all living within the same small town). I can't give up all of my friends and our (my husband and I) social life.

  • THat sounds like my life story. I had an extremely abusive manipulative mother. Went no contact when I left my hometown for college. After about a year of no contact I became physically and mentally healthier.. started getting A s in school (though I struggled thru high school) met nice friends for once and lost a lot of weight (overall much healthier feeling). Little by little I forgot how awful she was because its too hard to every day remember the horrors of life with her. Wasnt planning to reconnect because in the back of my head I remembered everything .. but then she showed up at my graduation and started the creepy love bombing stuff with the following emotional attacks, which I had totally forgotten and wham I started getting nightmares and became physically ill. Soon after that the horror of 911 which occurred physically close to me caused further distress to the point that I developed PTSD and then shortly after I had the misfortune of meeting my narc now ex husband. It was such a horrible sequence and it all started with my mother showing up. Now that I finally have my second no contact period with both my mother (mostly)and my ex husband safely gone I am starting to feel better again but have to remind myself everyday how bad they are and what they are up to sort of like I am Zoro or something even though it sucks having to remind myself all of that. It is just exhausting to imagine what they are up to and how hateful they are because I am not a hateful person myself.

  • I got.upset ! I totally deleted my ex.and she found a way to reply and sorry I didnt call you on bday oh well long story short not heard again but now I'm sad its wierd

  • I was about to relapse, that was right on cue! To be honest, I’m not sure that I can stand tall for much longer, but it’s heartwarming to know that I can forgive myself in case I don’t. Thanks for this video.

  • It’s been over a year since I last heard from my ex. His last text was semi-sweet. It gave me hope that maybe we could stay connected as friends but he didn’t reply to me.
    Why is it, a year later, I still want to hear from him again? It’s like hearing from him would make me feel “worthy”. Why do I still care what he thinks of me?

  • I reached out for a brief moment….then slapped myself inside my head! Went no contact and blocked him permanently! What it was was a brain fart! Like an addiction! No more EVER! Great lesson because HE did not respond Thank GOD!

  • A “handful” of good memories just isn’t “good” enough!!😤😤😤🙄🙄🙄 They’re “possibly” demonically possessed and we aren’t exorcist’s!! Turn it over to Jesus and Priest’s!!!

  • When He opened the second seal, I heard the second living creature saying, “Come and see.” Another horse, fiery red, went out. And it was granted to the one who sat on it to take peace from the earth, and that people should kill one another; and there was given to him a great sword.So i had a dream and i want to share it with you all..
    i was out in the middle of a town during the middle of the day. i was walking to down the street which seemed to be very crowded. while moving along the side walk i saw an old friend of mine one from high school whom i have not seen in over 15 years. His name is Troy and he was a state champion wrestler. Although he himself never won the state championship he did take 3rd three times. He was a student of marshal arts and a high school wrestling coach while being an adult… SO what i am saying this guy was and is a bad-ass when came to protecting himself. So we are standing there talking about our current lives. all of sudden a man showed up wearing all leather. A brown leather shirt which had no sleeves so i guess it looked like a leather vest with a brown leather kilt with leather shoes like something you would see from ancient times. the man in leather held a sword in his hand which was a short sword maybe 24 inches long or a bit shorter. His hair was light brown almost blond yet not golden but more like a light brown long and flowing. He looked to be about 30 or there about. The man walked right up to my old friend and grabbed him by the throat throwing him to the ground while the crowed street watched on. My friend looked at me right in the eyes while i was watching him struggling on the ground while this brute of a man was attacking him. While thinking to my self how i was going to help my friend i saw the man take his sword and stab it into my friends back side. My friend face winced in pain as he screamed out for help. i remember feeling powerless at that moment. I grabbed hold of the mans back trying to get him off of my friend. i remember feeling as if this man was an angel sent from heaven and was truly meant to be feared. it was an intense dream and i woke up feeling upset and ready to fight for my life. i remember the man dressed in leather having a smile on his face as he looked at me as he walked away.. It was like He knew my friends blood was on my hand because i did not warn or help my friend until it was too late and with that being said felt like he would not hurt me but was here on earth to take care of business and there nothing that could stop him from doing so… Nothing… May Jesus have mercy on us all… Amen.When He opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain for the word of God and for the testimony which they held. And they cried with a loud voice, saying, “How long, O Lord, holy and true, until You judge and avenge our blood on those who dwell on the earth?” Then a white robe was given to each of them; and it was said to them that they should rest a little while longer, until both the number of their fellow servants and their brethren, who would be killed as they were, was completed.
    it was declared by God who will survive and who will not.. blessed are they who call upon the name of the Lord. When you see the sword coming and you don't warn your countrymen their blood will be on your hands

  • Beauty of grey, it's better than being black and blue, healing brusies, then pink and almost normal. Self defence classes, get up and get up.

  • The problem is that my parents are both narcissists, and they will die one day. I have heard that my father is fighting bladder cancer. I doubt they will call for me – it's been over 20 years. But what if they do? I would rather not go. But there's that moral factor……

  • Wow so needed to see video. I had relapse when he hovered and wished me a Merry Christmas and sent a picture of himself (of Course) and I responded back with Merry Christmas. When I Realized what I done and I shut that door and locked it down, but still had frustration and guilt of the relapse.

  • Thank you for these videos. They have been so profoundly helpful to me in the wake of processing my trauma from my narcissistic, abusive ex. You can't get closure from your abuser but knowing why they act like they do and that it never had anything to do with you (the victim) being wrong or at fault really helps melt away all the self gaslighting and doubt.

  • Watching this video just in time… Just got an WhatsApp, replied and almost got myself drawn into it again…as it started every time I went back. Hope is such a powerful emotion. The more since I am a person who likes to see the ‘good’ in people. But no good every came out of every time I went back.
    So…going no contact…again…😅

  • Oh my God unbelievable what ever you are saying every thing i experienced every thing you said I was in and out for 6 times .thank you soooooooooo much Dr and your team .

  • Dr Ramani how do we forgive narcissist my family always says forgive him but I am struggling I hate……. him i am angry on him . Some time I hate my self why why I trusted him .How do I get over of this feeling .

  • No contact only lasted for a few days… I even went so far as to change my contact info. Then I just felt so guilty for the sudden cut off and for the fact they're holding something I desperately need above my head (that if I cut them off I'd never get it)…

    I'll probably never get it anyways, will I? Should I just cut it all off again?

  • So true. The more you go back, the more hurt you get, and more you lose yourself. It's a slow painful suicide for those dealing with narcissists.

  • 23 days no contact
    Changed my number
    Changed my email
    Went to police
    He found my business email & contacted me now
    He texted my mother
    He texted my father
    He texted my Son
    We all went “ No contact “
    I feel scared of the unknown now
    I feel so free all at the same time
    The anxiety has decreased substantially
    And I see the effects of love bombing , gaslighting , manipulation, lies, emotion , mental & physical abuse ( including sexual)

    ….. ladies reach out to
    Your friends , family … any supports
    Watch Dr RAMANI it REALLY helped me to go “grey rock”
    And FINALLY break free from
    Narcissistic ABUSE
    LISTEN to her / THEY DO NOT CHANGE!!!! They only get better at what they do once they know your onto them
    STAY STRONG. It’s better to be alone in a room and have peace think about it – IS IT LONELINESS OR FREEDOM💙💙💙🙏💙💙
    Prayers for my safety thank you

  • Perfect timing Dr. Ramani and Thanks!!!… I purposely and temporarily broke my no contact rule today to see for myself with my recovered mindset before I permanently leave the narcissist without any chances of future regrets… the narcissist responded like a textbook case… pretty much exactly the things you mentioned in the video. Thanks in part to you, your books and your videos, I didn't fall for the tricks, but instead I found myself right there and then calmly and consciously comparing the narcissist's actions to the things I had learned from you, your books, and your videos. I guess this ol' princess is through with narcissists. 🙂

  • This is EXACTLY what I did! I had gone 9 months no contact, believed he had changed and took him back. 2 years later, he discarded me just like he had before. This time, I blocked everything…every angle. Within 6 months, he married his next supply. God help her….but I am glad I am out. It’s been 4 years. I am really free!

  • Before I knew what NPD was, we had 3 breakups . The first and second I broke it off due to cheating or controlling behavior. But the 3rd he discarded me. He tried to come back once more and I finally went no contact and stayed no contact. It’s been years now and I’m so glad I stayed away.

  • A word is enough for the wise and It is also important to apply wisdom when dealing with our partners. I got help from Genius-Tracker as he helped cloned my cheating wife’s phone and I got access to all her phone Text messages, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snap-chat, Email and social media chats without touching her phone. My wife was a cheating Narcissist but I'm glad to uncover her deceits, secrets and Infidelity. All I did was share my wife’s phone number with Genius-tracker and i was able to read her recent and deleted messages from my phone without laying my hands on her phone and she has no idea her phone has been cloned. I was hurt when i saw a picture of my wife and her lover, i felt so bad about infidelity. I’m here in Australia and was able to access her phone while she was away cheating in UK and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned . He also does Yahoo wiping and upgrading of credit card and hacking of account or any other type of hacking. His services are trusted and guaranteed and also affordable. Contact this Genius-Tracker via Gmail (geniustracker701) or Via Whats-app +1 (724) 330-3252 and you can also text/call him +1 (601) 287-5528. Thank me later…

  • You are great me a life of dealing with these people I have left since 2006 also no contact with his family, two sons they have a little contact when they say dad wants to talk to you ofcourse I say HELL NO and I dont but I go into a panic, going back in mind all things I dealt with this is a good lesson, You Can Never go back to anything good or bad Good never as good, bad always worst than you remember, I'm alone now but better than ever .what I say is you can't ever go back just go forward and chose good, even if you are alone

  • Oh one more thing I'm a southern girl being a empathetic person but southern hospitality which is great and true but if you run into a person like me ,sorry dont test us because when you do (yes we live jesus and me try to live that way ) but jesus was not soft, he stood up for justice we I'm kinda like that ,but there was that time he went through the Temple and he let them know what was up ,well that's what happens to me ,No bullshit!

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