Physical Education


I don’t know if any of you guys had to do this in High School, but in my High School, you had to take a Physical Education credit to graduate. So normally, to get it out of the way, in 9th Grade, all the boys would take P.E. and all the girls would take dance. But sometimes though, really white boys would take dance. And you’d always point them out during dance recitals. So I actually took P.E. my sophomore year because I went to a preparatory school in 9th grade. But that was okay, because I fit in quite perfectly with all the other skinny white boys. And there’s like this long moment in the first 10 minutes of class, where all you do is sit in the locker room and wait until coach says, “OKAY LET’S DO THIS!” So one day, we all got bored and just flicking water bottle caps. You know, just the caps in a little… WA-PA! We just started flicking, you know? Like little tiny frisbees. We took caps from the trash, and we would just… WIP-POO! Shoot them at each other, you know? WA-POW! And it was all fun, you know? And no one really got hurt. And I’m petty sure I’m the one who started it, but whatever. And then when we did our physical education class, it was, like, extra hard. Like we ran two laps instead of one. And we had to do wall sits while holding medicine balls. And then afterwards, when we were all sweaty and tired, the teacher goes, “You want to know why today was extra hard? It’s because you’re flicking water bottle caps at each other.” WHAT? Fast forward a couple… I don’t know, a month, and these two kids get the idea to play a game called Bodies. And if you aren’t familiar with that game, it’s a game where you punch someone… …that’s it. You’re not allowed to hit their face though, just their bodies. Which is why it’s called Bodies! And you think at least one of us would be like, “Um, hey you guys-” Oh wait, their voices should be squeaky. “UM, HEY YOU GUYS. COACH DIDN’T LIKE THAT WE WERE THROWING WATER BOTTLE CAPS BEFORE. UH… MAYBE WE SHOULDN’T DO THIS.” So, you know, I obviously couldn’t let that happen… …without watching. And these two kids started playing, and one kid, isn’t even punching back. Which is a strategy I would not use, playing that particular game. And then all of a sudden, the dude taking the punches, falls off his feet, and hits his head on the hard tile, and dosen’t get up. “Did I win?” So were a couple of young bros, and we were like, Hey bro, Bro! BRO! BRO? So we had to tell the teacher, and the teacher got the nurse, and little time passed, and at that point he did wake up a little. And the coach asked him, “What happened?” And he knew he would get in trouble if he told the truth. So he lied and said, “Oh… I don’t know? I just… passed out… …and got all these punch marks.” Although it is possible he could have legitimately forgot. And then the coach asked the class, “What happened?” And everyone was like, “Oh, yea, jeez man, yea. He just passed out.” “Yeah, I saw him. He just flopped down.” And we almost got away with it, except ONE KID, I forget his first name, but his last name was like, Ferilikins or something. UGH, and he had this stupidest bowl cut too. UGH, SO STUPID! He tells the coach, “THEY WERE PLAY-” *Coughs* “They were playing Bodies, And person A Falcon Punched person B.” And THEN, we already KNOW we’re in a whole heck of a trouble. But the nurse called the PE teacher and said, “This kid needs to get his stuff.” And coach said to the class, “Someone needs to get this kid his stuff.” “I- I GOT IT! I’ll get his stuff.” And I’m told that the class had to do lunges down the track field, but I wouldn’t know, because I took my sweet time getting him his stuff. And then a year later I heard our P.E. teacher got fired. For separate reasons.

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